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Parentheticals
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| My 88-year old grandma Florence is in town from Florida. This is perhaps the 5th (?) year or so in a row that she’s visited us out here. (Before that, there was family drama that made us not see her very often at all, but that’s another story.) She arrived a few days ago, and will be staying for another week. The family has been activated and all sorts of activities have been planned with the hope of maximizing grandma exposure to all of us, especially the great grandkids (my kids and my brother’s kids). Things started off with a bang on Friday evening, where my aunt, uncle, cousin, brother, sister-in-law, niece, nephew, mom and dad all gathered at our house for a Shabbat dinner in her honor. Yesterday most of that same group (minus uncle, cousin and husband) went to the community pool for a few hours, and then the whole group reconvened for a dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant (it being traditional for festive Jewish events to involve Chinese food, naturally). Then after dinner hanging-out back at our house. Today even more activities are planned, culminating in--what else--a giant group dinner (but thank goodness, not at my house this time).
It’s a bit exhausting, all this family hurly-burly, but it’s also really satisfying to me, in a deep way. I’m lucky--I love my family, even when they drive me a bit crazy, as families do. I am thrilled that my grandma agreed to come out here again, even though at 88 I totally acknowledge that she would be completely within her rights not to travel so far and have so much hoo-ha accompany her presence here. She’s a feisty lady, and her sharp tongue and occasional unthinking abrasiveness have certainly contributed to some family drama, but I find that with the visits she’s paid us the last few years, I am finally getting to know her better, in a way that I just didn’t before this. And I like her. More to the introspective point, the more I get to know her, the more I understand why my father (her son) is the way he is, and by extension, why I am the way I am. Being able to trace those connections is rewarding, fascinating, soothing, and a little bit scary--something like I imagine adopted kids must feel. I’m sad I never got to go through this adult getting-to-know-you process with her husband, my grandpa, who died before the family drama was resolved, and whom I rarely saw as an adult (probably the last time was at my brother’s wedding).
It’s also really important to me that my kids get a chance to have had a relationship with their “G.G.” (Great Grandma), that they have at least some memories of her and of special things they got to do with her (whether something personal like her singing along at the piano with Eli, or just these big family dinners). I’m also taking pictures and video every chance I get, because I keep having that fear that this might be the last visit, the last time we get to be with her this way, and I want to hold on to it for them (and for me!) for later, so I can at least remind them “this was your G.G.”
Anyway, more specifics (and maybe even pictures) hopefully as we go through the week, but for now my role as family cruise director beckons--I’m late to get everyone out of the house for big family brunch! | comments: Leave a comment   |
| No no, I’m not dead. I’m just experiencing a weird sort of multi-layered overwhelm--both the usual work-life balance kind I always whinge about here but also the social kind, where I just can’t seem to juggle all the friends I want to keep up with, the commitments to family time, the must-attend events/holidays, let alone the “social media” like LJ or Facebook or Twitter. (I haven’t read or posted to LJ for months because catching up has felt too daunting...I apologize and as of today I’ve started again.) I feel like I’m either constantly workworkworking and rushing hither-yon-hither or having enforced “relax” time where I’m cut off from everything/everyone I want to catch up on in my personal life. (Not that relaxing is bad, mind you...) I can’t seem to find the time for my solitary activities--writing, blogging, playing with my pictures and movies, painting. About the only solitary thing I still am able to do these days is reading (books not computer), which I squeeze in before bed every night, plus I can do after a long work day when I’m too tired to do other, more actively creative things.
What I miss about blogging here on LJ though is just recording daily life (with occasional musings as the mood strikes me). I feel like by not blogging for so long, I’m missing the chance to create a record of what’s been going on for me--and I want to, because having a record allows me to live a more examined life (even if it’s just in my own head and after the fact). While it’s always nice if other people read or respond, having that record to look back over is what’s really important to me. I want to be able to look back in a few months or years and say “oh, that’s what I was up to then, yeah, I remember.” Perspective, that’s what I’m hoping for, but how will I get perspective if I can’t remember what was happening? The examined life has to start first with the recorded life. So here I am, recording. Maybe if I start in small bits like this, and don’t worry about playing catch up, it’ll be easier. More posting with actual content to follow. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Wow, what an amazing chunk of writerly time I’ve just had (was going to post about this a few days ago, but work and sleep got in the way). I got to chat with and hear new work and funny stories from a couple of fabulous genre folk (Ken Scholes and Jay Lake), and I got to spend 4 days and three nights of glorious Spring weather on a writer’s retreat with my main VPeeps, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) writerknv and heatherdoodle , writing our geeky little brains out at my parents’ house in Stinson. The only way it could have been better is if it’d lasted another week. Unfortunately I’m a bit too blasted from the lack of sleep and the overuse of the creative faculties to be particularly precious about recounting every detail, but I at least wanted to record some thoughts for posterity and post a few pix. ‘Cause pix are worth a thousand words (even if I can't seem to format them correctly here on LJ), and frankly, I wrote so many words last weekend, I’m not sure how many are left in there.
( Here's the travelogue, the pix and the rambly writerly thoughts... )
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| Zzzip! Another month goes by. And once again, the cobbler’s kid has no shoes. By which I mean: I advise clients on best blogging practices all the time, and yet do I follow my own advice? Nooo. I’ve been so caught up making metaphorical shoes for others that my own social media “kids” (Parentheticals, Target Practice, Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, etc) go shoeless. Yes, the answer is probably more discipline and to work blogging back into the routine. It’s not like I haven’t had this realization before...in fact I seem to have it regularly. (Looking back on this blog’s archives will probably show that I seem to have the same set of realizations over and over--all I can hope is that the time between realizations is shrinking.) Maybe I just need to have it publicly, in print, before I can take the next step and break the blogstipation. You know, sprinkle things with a little shame to add that nice crunch accountability brings to the whole endeavor.
I had a vivid dream last night. (Ok, the night before last, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to blog about it last night after having family over and hosting a birthday party for my youngest--but that’s yet another blog entry. One that didn’t get written and who knows if it will be.) I do occasionally have these memorable dreams, the kind that feel like direct messages from my subconscious. This one felt even more “knock knock, message from God” than usual because I was away for the weekend at a Congregational Retreat (yet another blog entry that wants to be written but who knows if it will be).
The brief version (because nobody except maybe a Freudian--specifically one that I was paying to lie on her couch--would care about the detailed version, and by now the details have faded anyway and only the most obvious bits remain) of it was this: I was in some sort of public food court, and was attracted by a vendor I’d never sampled before. It was some sort of Indian/Thai type food: lots of complex sauces with chunky ingredients served over rice. I was all excited; it looked nummy and interesting and novel. I loaded up a giant plate with about 10 different selections and took it over to one of the tables. I hadn’t yet tucked in when someone came by the table and stopped to talk to me. It was T, one of the instructors from Viable Paradise (someone who, just to give a little background, I greatly admire and am intimidated by in a “I am just an unworthy padawan” sort of way). She asked me how the writing was going, and I tried to give her a perky answer. (“Novel is almost finished, I’m writing a short story for an anthology, umm....”) She was polite, but didn’t stay long. I felt like I’d disappointed her, or at least failed to impress with any kind of industriousness. I wanted to make excuses for how busy I’d been, how distracted with everything else--but I didn’t. Instead I looked down at my full plate (see where this is going?) and thought to myself “I need to do more writing.” Then I woke up. With the feeling of having just had a conversation with myself. You know, like I do when I blog, only dreamier and thus more prophetic-feeling.
Sooo here I am, sitting again with the realization of “full plate distracts one from creative pursuits. Must refocus and rededicate.” Clearly the subconscious is getting restless; the muse must miss me. She wants me to get writing again--yeah, that’s it--so she’s sending me sekrit messages. Dream as Muse’s Metamucil? (Now there’s a sentence that sings. I’d better quit now before things get ugly.)
Which leads me to talking about yet another “sign” I had before this one: the “good writing news” I alluded to in the previous entry but that I kept not blogging about because, um, I dunno, I’m slow and distracted. Right around the same time as work and life were (once again) colluding on Project Distract Julia last month, I was invited to contribute a story to an upcoming anthology of stories with a Renaissance Faire theme: Renaissance Festival Tales, Five Renfaire-inspired Fantasy Novelettes, edited by ericreynolds and gerrileen and published by the fabulous Hadley Rille Books. I owe it all to the kindness of my VPeep writerknv (who is also a contributor, along with camillealexa , mcchambers, and dragonet2 ). Kim suggested me to Eric and for that I will love her forever, because I can’t imagine a project more perfectly suited to distracting me away from finishing my novel. (I mean come on! Ren Faire! Fantasy! Story! In a published! Anthology! From a super cool small press, no less! How could I possibly resist? Not that I would have wanted to...) You can read the official announcement here (and I’m sorry I’m so late in re-blogging this). You can also read Eric-the-awesome-editor’s ongoing series of blog posts, “A Book’s Journey”, on how an anthology comes into being, here, here and here. You can even see a tantalizing glimpse of a cover sketch here. Rumor has it that each story will also get its own illustration--talk about a writerly fantasy! Woooo!
I am TREMENDOUSLY excited about this opportunity, and if nothing else it’s been a great cattle-prod-to-the-butt that has gotten me ever so slowly back into the early morning writing routine. It’s also been a great gift in that this is really the first substantial piece of new genre writing I’ve done besides the novel in the last few years. I’ve been toiling on middles and endings and character growth and all the associated craft tasks that go along with a long form for so many years now, I’ve forgotten both the pain and the enjoyment to be had in beginnings. I’m having fun with my story and will hopefully post more on my own process after it gets a bit farther along (no sense jinxing the progress now).
So ok, Universe, Muse, whatever your name is--I hear you. Full plate or no, the writing will be prioritized again. Look, I’m even blogging! And soon there will be a brand new bouncing baby story, too. And then the last few chapters of the novel finished, the whole thing revised, and sent out to find a home. I hereby declare that 2009 will be the Strangelove Year: the year I learned to stopped worrying and love the Muse (AGAIN).
(And yes, feel free to remind me of this declaration. Because given my previous track record, I seem to be doomed to forget these realizations with a fair amount of regularity.) | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| For those of you dying to see the flaming birthday sushi, here's a still of it (haven't gotten around to YouTube yet). Believe me it was more impressive in person (fire always is!) It's hard to tell, but it was really cleverly designed--the eyes are suckers from octopus tentacles (which the kids discovered only after arguing over who got to eat them--haha!), the whiskers and ears were sliced carrots, the back ridges were cooked fish, and each piece sat on its own little cucumber slice that sort of looked like feet or flippers.
And for those of you who are local, may I heartily recommend Mikado Sushi in Northgate 1 in San Rafael. Their fish is delicious and they really know how to treat a birthday girl right.
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| Today I turned 40 years old. Today was the 17th anniversary of the day I got diagnosed with cancer. As always over the last 17 years, this is the day I get to reflect on how glad I am to still be here, and what I’ve accomplished over the last year, and what I’d like the next year to bring. It’s like my own personal New Year’s Eve, but without so much champagne.
In many ways it was just a pedestrian ol’ work weekday, full of hither and yon and workworkwork as are most of my days, but there were definitely some special moments studded throughout. Birthday wishes from colleagues, friends and family popped up all day, both online and offline, and made me feel recognized and loved. After work, Josh and the kids and I all went out to our favorite sushi restaurant, which was entertaining as well as delicious: not only did Josh and I get to enjoy that peculiar feeling of parental pride mixed with disbelief you get when you watch your kids scarf “weird” food like shrimp eyeballs, seaweed and barbequed eel, but we also got treated to flaming sushi. That’s right, I said flaming sushi--at the end of our meal the lights went out and the staff, singing happy birthday, brought us a plate with a special sushi roll all decorated up like a dragon, doused in sake, and lit on fire--it was astounding (and tasty)! I happened to have my Flip with me and we managed to catch the last minute or so of its flame-y goodness on video. That one is definitely going on YouTube when I have a spare minute or two.
After the flaming sushi, I kissed my family goodbye and headed off to a meeting for a synagogue group I’m involved in (sort of a “welcoming committee 2.0 group, if that makes any sense...I’m too tired to describe it now). It was a thoughtful, interesting meeting, and I was struck--hard--by something the rabbi said during our discussion on how people get “hooked in” to a spiritual community. He was talking about “shlichut” (I very well may have spelled the Hebrew wrong here), the concept that everyone has their calling, their mission, their special thing that they’ve been put on earth to do/accomplish/teach/be. I was struck because, on the one hand, I have for many years been struggling with just this concept--“what am I HERE for?”--and on the other, I had the sort of lightning inspiration (or maybe just a flaming hope, to continue the fire theme of the evening) that maybe, finally, here on this side of 40, I’d find out.
The rabbi was also talking about “uplift” and about the idea that each of us could uplift others (and be uplifted by others) into being more who we truly are, and I found myself fantasizing again about finding a true mentor, someone who really could uplift me into my own right calling, my true passion. I’m not even sure why this is such a strong desire for me, I just know that it is--and it’s been percolating for several decades now. I was seeking it in grad school, I’ve talked about it in therapy, I’ve been writing about it in my novel. It became especially urgent right after my brush with cancer--why was I “allowed” to survive, if not for some greater purpose?--and then died away somewhat when I got all distracted with falling in love, raising a family, starting a career (and now a business), and all of that. But I think that the identity work of my 40s is going to be all around zeroing in on an answer or answers to that question of purpose, of shlichut.
I’m ready, universe. Bring it on. Mentor or no mentor, I’m open to figuring this out, and optimistic that I’ll get some clarity (or at least some clues) sooner rather than later.
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| Well, it took me a few days to recover and get around to posting this, but I figured I’d better say *something* about the giant potluck karaoke masquerade party that I threw for my 40th birthday last Friday. And that something is:
It was awesome. And it was over way too fast.
Really, I had two goals: I wanted to get all dressed up, and I wanted to throw a memorable party where I could invite anyone and everyone I wanted. (Extrovert, remember? I get high off being around lots of people. Crazy, I know.) I succeeded pretty well in both those goals, I think. I completely rolled a 20 (danger! Geek joke!) on the dressup part--I got to wear my amazingly gorgeous olive green ballgown again (I wore it for my 30th too, and God willing I’ll wear it for my 50th, though I’m not holding my breath) along with the matching green burnout velvet shawl (and matching finger-and-toe polish!). I had an incredible mask from the Renaissance Faire, and an outstanding feather headpiece from Dicken’s Fair, and my hair turned out right and my makeup was good and I seriously felt like a fairy princess all night long--what else do you want from a dressup occasion?
And as for the memorable + lots of people part, well, that was successful too, I think. I rented the local community center, hired a DJ, rented tablecloths and glasses and put up crepe paper and balloons. Everybody wore fabulous masks, and many people dressed up; many people sang karaoke too (and seemed to have a good time doing it). The sweet treats were awesome (first prize definitely had to go to Lara’s incredible mask-themed cupcakes) and the special orange mead that Josh made was DEEEEEEEELICIOUS! I had so many great people come, from so many eras and circles of my life--old friends, new friends, work friends, mom friends, temple friends, writer friends, and of course family (though far fewer than I’d hoped, since my parents and bro/sis-in-law were sick). I felt honored and happy and loved all night long. And just like with any good party, I was sad when people started leaving to go home. I wanted to have them all stay with me for hours and hours until I got a chance to talk enough with each and every one of them! But you never can, it’s always that way.
At some point I’ll post Flickr pix, but for now, here’s a few. (And if any of you reading this have any pix, send em my way, pretty please!)
( Pictures under the cut... )( Pictures under the cut... )
Now I get to extend the birthday celebration for another couple of weeks: I’m going out to sushi dinner with my family on my actual birthday (1/22) and then on Sunday, we all fly out to Maui for two weeks of glorious, glorious vacation (and probably a little work too, but that’s ok). I really am one happy, grateful birthday girl. Seems like a very auspicious way to start my 40s! (And as a bonus, I get a fabulous new president too! How lucky can one girl get?)
More thoughts on being 40 later (including my annual “still here” birthday post)...but for now, thanks to everyone who has and will help me celebrate this milestone. It’s great to still be here.
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| | Quoting my personal mottos to other people reminds me *I* should follow them too. Today's quote: "If you don't try, you don't get." So true. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Everyone is freaking out that LJ might go down? Oy. I can't stand any more crises here, people. I'm overwhelmed enough as it is. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| (I’m overdue on this, but better late than never. And my life is all about the flexible deadlines these days.)
Once again I’m sitting here in the living room of a rented vacation house in Stinson Beach with various family members scattered around, all doing their own things, and thinking about the year past and the year to come. Like most years lately, it’s been busy and filled with all sorts of activity and transitions. Some standouts, off the top of my head:
-making the leap into entrepreneurship and working full time on our own businesses
-an incredibly fun and memorable trip to Disneyland with Dri & Jim and the boys
-a hot air balloon ride in Calistoga
-Isaac starting preschool and transitioning from toddler to little boy
-going to Worldcon and tasting the joy of real writer tribe time
-tons of “home improvement” projects (stained glass windows, fireplace, stove, landscaping, lighting, windows)
-an inspiring, exciting election season and a renewal of hope that our country might be a good place again
-moving our biz into “real” offices and hiring employees
And also off the top of my head (and quickly, since everyone is bugging me to stop writing and go watch Monty Python while eating ice cream, and how can I resist that?) here are some resolutions of mine for the coming year (in no particular order):
-Finish. The Damn. Novel. I am so close! This is the year I will finish, polish and SUBMIT the damn thing and move on.
-Blog more. Twitter too.
-Get to a point where I only feel a little guilty when I take time away from work to do “personal” things.
-Grow our business to the point where it actually supports us in the style to which we have become accustomed.
-More art. Less stress.
-More sleep. Less anxiety.
-More self-kindness. Less self-flagellation.
Ok that’s it for now. Must have ice cream. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | I would totally blog my 2009 resolutions if I wasn't so damn tired & pulled in so many directions. Ok there's two: sleep & simplify. Right. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Giant holiday party accomplished, & aftermath all cleaned up by party fairy (ie me). Next: holiday deco, soup, & making lists by the fire. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Woo! Chapter finished! Only 3 more (big crazy ones) to go & 1st draft of book=finished. Think I can put kids in a box 4 our whole vacation? | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Trying to use quiet day @ home for catchup on writing & crits. But foiled by 3yo constantly & loudly announcing videogame play by play. Oy. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Finally back home in the quiet and comfort of my own living room, after day 2 of feasting and celebrating with family and friends. I am especially appreciative this year of the comfort and fullness (yes, pun intended) I get from this particular annual ritual, and of the fact that this is the first year in awhile that I was able to really enjoy it, because I wasn’t distracted by chasing crazy toddlers around or constantly interrupted by catering to a small person’s needs.
Yesterday was day 1 of Thanksgiving, and we celebrated over at my parents’ house with about 12 people (close family and a few friends). I was able to hang out in the kitchen with my parents and help cook (yes I got to baste the turkey, and even got Eli to help me a few times), the kids were relaxed and on relatively good behavior, and I got to eat all my favorite Thanksgiving food (roasting pan drippings, stuffing with gravy, turkey with gravy and tart cran-raspberry sauce, garlic yams, persimmon pudding and pumpkin pie with fresh whipped cream) and drink delicious wine. Eli was happy because he got to eat both turkey wings and all the skin he wanted; Isaac discovered a passionate love of cran-raspberry sauce and ate approximately half a bucket of it with his turkey. I even got to slip our for a post-prandial stroll with my aunt, and as we wandered up and down the dark street through the woods, we were lucky enough to see a barn owl sitting on the telephone wire above us. It was an abundant, relaxing, expansive, delight-ful evening.
Tonight we had a re-do of the whole experience, with a slightly different mix of people--Josh and Eli were away on a scout trip, so it was just me and Isaac there with my parents, aunt and uncle, and several sets of my parents’ friends (who are for all intents and purposes my adoptive parents). My “adoptive sister” and her two kids were there too, so Isaac had someone to play with. Everyone brought their leftovers, and last night’s feast was expanded and elaborated. The kids ran around and were adored by the elders, and everyone was happy to be there.
But for posterity, here is what I want to set down so I will remember: last night, sitting at one end of the big table feeling humble, transcendent gratitude as I looked down one end at my parents, who every year fill their home with love and create this wonderful feast; and at the other end, on either side of me, my beautiful, silly, healthy, adored children chomping up their food with gusto (rare enough around here with those relatively picky eaters).
And tonight, sitting around the living room with the grownups while the kids ran in and out and were generally adored and patiently, exuberantly played with by all the grandparents in the room. How amazing (and important) it is to grow up in this giant extended clan of adults who adore you--I know I felt this way when I was a kid, but I think my children have even yet more “village” in their lives than I ever did. I wish every child did.
I am so lucky, and so, so glad to still be here, in this life, with these people, in this place--and this year I really felt it. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Quiet rainy day by myself in the house=lovely change of pace from this past week+'s hecticity. Last one of these for awhile, I'm sure. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Just had a CopiaShare community meeting @ our house re: sharing neighborhood resources (e.g. fruit trees). I feel so...power to the people! | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Writing at a cafe without headphones=difficult. Apparently I am easily distractable. Or just procrastinating. C'mon chapter, end! | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Skimming twitter, checking facebook, chatting on IM, streaming music mix from laptop to livingroom speakers & updating iPod @ the same time. Srsly. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Slowly but surely I am heading back into social media. Yes, in all my copious spare time. Stay tuned; actual blogging will commence shortly. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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Parentheticals
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![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/mellow_sp.gif){kind=small}
satisfied![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/hyper_sp.gif){kind=small}
determined![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/artistic_sp.gif){kind=small}
artistic![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/happy_sp.gif){kind=small}
amused![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/pensive_sp.gif){kind=small}
pensive![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/awake_sp.gif){kind=small}
grateful